Drivers etc

Hi Everyone ~~ The end of another week here in

Australia with the weekend looming. One of the things

I do regularly is to run my security scans on Saturday.

And so far they have not found any serious problems,

for which I am very thankful.

<><><><>

I have a recipe for a sweet that I make in Summer.

It is called Passionfruit Cream.

1 packet Passionfruit or Pineapple jelly

¾ cup of boiling water. Make jelly and cool.

½ cup sugar or sugar substitute

1 egg . Beat these together.

Add ¾ cup of milk and stir together

Add the pulp of 1 passionfruit.

Then add to cooled jelly and refrigerate.

<><><><> Not too inspiring, but it is very nice. <><><><>

Now I am going to alienate all the male drivers!!!

<><> What is a man Driver ? <><>

A man driver is the supercilious counterpart of that

intelligent user of the roads – a woman driver ( one of

which is me). A man driver is so smug about his

comparative prowess that he cannot see past the end of

his nose, which is probably why he makes so many mistakes

while driving. A man driver is a person who thinks that a

split second should be defined as a period of time between

the moment the traffic light turns green, and the moment

he should start blowing his horn.

<><><>

Man drivers come in many varieties, but from my experience,

they all have one thing in common – they adore hugging

curves. The main trouble is to convince them that the curves

they should hug are the ones that border the roadside. A man

driver seems to think that the faster he drives the smarter

he is regarded, but he’d do well to remember that the best

way to see 90 is not to try to see it on te speedo.

<><><>

The only reason a man driver is so much to the fore is that

there happens to be more of them, but I would remind him

that quantity is not nearly so important as quality. I am

quite sure, especially speaking as an experienced woman

driver, that I am more than prepared to give any man driver

on the highway, the half of the road to which he is entitled ---

that is, provided he can make up his mind which half he wants.

<><><><><>

Sorry fellas, please keep in mind that I no longer drive !!

<><><>

Here’s a joke for the menfolk.

A man woke up one morning to see his wife standing by the

bed in a skimpy negligee, She was carrying a velvet rope.

She purred at him: “Tie me up and do anything you like.”

So he tied her up, and went fishing.!!!

<><><><><>

A man had just read a book called “You can be the Man of your

House. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to

his wife. Pointing a finger in her face he said sternly :” From

now on, you need to know that I am the man of the house, and

my word is law.

You will provide me a gourmet meal tonight and when I’m

finished that you will serve me a sumptious dessert.”

(Note frm Merle, I think this lad is heading for trouble !!)

“Then after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me,

and we will do what I want.

After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then you will massage my feet and hands. After that is done

guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied: “ The funeral director would be my guess.”

<><><><><><>

<><><> The Guy To Watch <><><>

You watch the guy who drives ahead

And the guy who drives behind;

You watch to the left, and watch to the right,

And drive with a calm clear mind.

<><>

But the guy you really have to watch

On the highway, you will find

Is the guy behind the guy ahead,

And ahead of the guy behind.

<><><><><>

<><> Finally a few thoughts for you. <><>

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

--Elbert Hubbard.

Whoever retains the natural curiosity of childhood

is never bored or dull. Anonymous.

On Death.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there, I did not die. Anon.

<><><>

In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there

was in me an invincible summer. –Albert Camus.

You don’t drown by falling in the water.

You drown by staying there. –Anon.

That’s it for tonight. Stay well and stay happy, Merle.

<><><>

Delinquent.

Hello My Friends ~~ Another day gone by. It has been

trying to rain, but not a lot so far. I hope there will be

more overnight, as the farmers and water storages do

need it so badly. What we had has watered my garden.

I have a nice patch of Broad Beans in flower, so they

will be great fairly soon. Some camelias and azaleas

have started flowering and some other things also.

<><><><><>

First tonight is a story “How to Make a Delinquent.”

Begin from infancy to give the child everything he wants

. . .this way he’ll grow up to believe that the world owes

him a living.

<><><>

When he picks up bad words, laugh at him . . . . it will

encourage him to pick up cuter phrases that will blow the

top of your head off later on.

<><><>

Never give him any spiritual training . . . . wait till he’s 21

and then let him decide for himself.

<><><>

Avoid the use of the word “wrong”. . . . it may develop a

guilt complex, and this will condition him to believe later

when arrested for stealing a car that society is against him

and he’s being persecuted.

<><><>

Pick up everything he leaves lying around – books, shoes,

clothes, etc . . . do everything for him, so he’ll be experienced

in throwing all responsibility on to others,

<><><>

Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be

careful that silveware and drinking glasses are sterilised, but

. . . let his mind feed on garbage.

<><><>

Quarrel frequently in his presence . . . this way he won’t be too

shocked when the home is broken up.

<><><>

Give him all the spending money he wants . . . . why should he

have things as tough as you did.

<><><>

Take his part against neighbors, teachers and policemen . . . .

They’re all prejudiced against him.

<><><>

Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See

every essential desire is gratified . . . denial may lead to

harmful frustrations.

<><><>

Prepare yourself for a life of heartache . . . .you will have it.

<><><><><>

<><> Political correctness when talking about Men. <><>

He does not have a beer gut

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage.

<><>

He is not quiet.

He is Conversational Minimalist.

<><>

He is not stupid.

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

<><>

He does not get lost all the time.

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

<><>

He does not get falling down drunk.

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

<><>

He does not talk constantly about cars.

He has Vehicular Addiction.

<><>

He is not balding.

He is in Follicle Regression.

<><>

He is not a male chauvinist pig.

He has Swine Empathy.

<><>

He does not eat like a pig.

He suffers from Reverse Bullimia.

<><><><><>

A senior citizen said to his 80 year old chess partner,

“So I hear you are getting married ?”

“Yep,” was the firm reply. “Do I know her?” he asked.

“Nope,” was another firm reply.

“This woman, is she good looking?””Not really,” said the

prospective groom. “Is she a good cook?”

“Can’t cook to save herself,” the old fella said.

“Does she have lots of money?”

“No, poor as a churchmouse,” he said.

“Well the, she must be good in bed?”

“I”I don’t know,” was the surprising answer.

“Why in the world do you want to marry her?”

“Because she can still drive.”

<><><><><><>

A man was bragging to his mates about his sister, who

disguised herself as a man and joined the army.

“But wait a minute,” said one of his mates. “She’ll have to

dress with the boys and shower with them too, won’t she?”

“Sure,” said the bragger.

“Well, won’t they find out ?”

“Yeah, but who’s gonna tell?”

<><><><>

<><> And a few thoughts for you. <><>

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle

of the road. They get run over. –Aneurin Bevan.

Confidence is realising that although you aren’t best at

something, you still enjoy doing it. Anon.

What the hell –you might be right, you might be wrong-

-- but don’t just avoid. –Katharine Hepburn.

And to finish -- An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

May the rain fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Bye for now, Take care, Have a great day, Merle.

<><><><>

Repercussions.

Hi Folks ~~ I’mmmm Baaack!!!! I hope all is well with

you all and things are going well at your house. All

OK here at the moment… I have a great casserole

cooking in the crockpot. Steak and kidney and lots

of vegetables. It will cook overnight, and then in the

morning I will pop some dumplings in on the top of it.

<><><><>

I have a poem called “Repercussions” tonight.

One morning, Algernon McGurk

While getting dressed for work

A hole in his sock he did find ---

And angrily he spoke his mind !!

Accused of laziness his mate,

In words and manner most irate,

Provoked, his erstwhile gentle wife,

Distressed at such domestic strife,

Spanked and stood Junior in the hall

For scribbling on the bathroom wall.

Whence Junior, much incensed at that,

Vented his wrath upon the cat !!

A mighty tug he gave it’s tail,

And, with a loud protesting wail

It hurtled through the kitchen door

Just as the milkman went to pour

The milk into the waiting can . . . .

And on the steps the milk all ran !!

Poor Milko had to clean the mess,

Which made him late in seeing Bess

The house-maid at Old Wealthy’s place;

And she accused him to his face

Of gossiping with Bella Sweet

Who ran the milk-bar down the street.

Then Bess, in quite a nasty mood

Answered, in manner curt and rude

Her mistress, who later made a scene

At breakfast, and called Old Wealthy mean

Because he would not buy her mink

He held his peace, though ears went pink,

Until he went to his office at ten ----

And though he was mostly the mildest of men,

He made it unpleasant for all at work,

Especially ---you guessed it-– for Algie McGurk,

Who really was at quite a loss

To know what had provoked his boss.

<><><> So, this little story has a moral

Directed at those who love to quarrel . . .

Just pause before you fume and fuss,

Or your actions, alas ! may re-percuss !!!!

<><><><>

**** Now for a few funnies ---****

A Polish man moved to Australia and married a local girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got

along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s

office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.

The lawyer ( L) said that getting a divorce would depend

on the circumstances, and this exchange took place

with the client ( C).

L – Have you any grounds ?

C – Yes, half a hectare and a nice little home.

L – I mean what is the foundation of this case ?

C – It made of concrete.

L – I don’t think you understand. Does either of you

have a real grudge ?

C – No , we have carport.

L – I mean what are your relations like ?

C – All my relations still in Poland.

L – Is there any infidelity in your marriage ?

C – We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L – Does your wife beat you up ?

C – No, I’m always up before her.

L – Why do you want this divorce ?

C – She is going to kill me. I got proof.

L – What kind of proof ?

C – She is going to poison me. She got a bottle from

the super-market and put it on the bathroom shelf.

I can read, and it says , “ Polish Remover.”

<><><><><>

The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter. The reporter asked her name. The chief replied, "Three Horse." "That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have a deep

symbolism?" "Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!"

<><><><><>

A man was sitting in a bar gulping down shot after shot

of whisky. His friend comes into the bar and sees him.

“Lou”, says the shocked friend , “what are you doing ?

I’ve known you for 15 years and I’ve never seen you take

a drink before. What’s going on ?”

<><><>

Lou replies without even lifting his bleary eyes from his

newly filled shot glass, “My wife just ran off with my best

friend,”and he throws back another shot in one gulp.

<><><>

“But Lou,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend.”

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot

eyes, smiles and then slurs, “Not any more. He is !!”

<><><><><>

A few little bits out of the newspaper.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

---- Confucius.

Mini-skirts keep men polite. A man will always let a mini-

skirt on the bus or tram first.

Junk is stuff we throw away.

Stuff is junk we keep.

My thought for today – Don’t tell me what I can’t do,

let me show you what I can do.

<><> Bye for now, Stay well and happy. Take care, Merle.

<><><><><>

White Lies.

Hello my friends ~~ Well all stocked up again AND I

did not forget anything this time. So that is a nice

change. The weather is so nice these days, it is a

pleasure to be able to move away from the heater and

the power bills and gas should be lower for awhile. At

least until the cooling brings them up again. What fun !!

<><><><>

<><><><> A Poem Called White Lies. <><><><>

In hospital beds side by side they lay,

The youth with fair hair, the old man with grey.

The older man chatted as days went by,

But from the youth, there came no reply.

<><><>

Then to the man came a wonderful thought,

The youth’s attention at last he caught,

“Here, from my window by my bed,

The nicest things I can see,” he said.

<><><>

“Here comes a lad with the tiniest pup,

It’s lagging a bit, he’s picked it up,

A couple of cars – a narrow squeak that !

And here’s a girl with the cutest hat.”

<><><>

And so it went on, for quite a long spell,

Till the old man went home, having been made well !

When the nurse came around, the young man said,

“Please nurse, may I have the old man’s bed ?”

<><><>

In the bed by the window the youth now lay,

Eagerly waiting for break of day.

Then what did he see ? Why nothing at all,

Nothing, except a tall, bare, brick wall !!!

<><><><><><><>

<><>Probably you have read it before, but it is a nice one.<><>

<><><> Now for a joke or so. first “The Bull” <><><>

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the

breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign

attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

<><><> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See he mated

50 times last year ... once-a-week." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice

a week! You could learn a lot from him."

<><><> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital

letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,

that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with

the same old cow."

<><><> NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable

and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he

will likely be okay.

<><><> One Day at the Doctor’s Office. <><><>

An elderly couple showed up at the doctor’s office

together one day The doctor asks “What can I do for you ?”

The man said, “We’d like you to watch us have sex, and

make sure everything is all right.”

<><><>

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple

finished, the doctor daid,”There’s nothing wrong with the way

you have sex, everything id fine.” He charged them $50. and

they went on their way.

<><><>

The next week, they showed up again with the same request,

and the next week and several weeks in a row. The couple would

make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor

and leave. Finally the doctor asked, “ Just exactly what

are you trying to find out ?”

<><><>

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She

is married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t

go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.

The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50. and I get

$43. back from Medicare.”

<><><><> And a few thoughts for you <><><><>

Do not be afaid to take a big step if one is required.

You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.

n David Lloyd Gearge.

<><><>

May you have food and raiment,

A soft pillow for your head.

May you be half an hour in heaven,

Before the devil knows you’re dead.

<><><> Irish Blessing.

No one ever hurt their eyesight by looking at the bright

side of life. – Anonymous.

<><><>

If you can’t see the bright side, polish the dull side. Anon.

<><><>

If you don’t like it, change it. If you don’t want to change

it, it can’t be that bad. – Anonymous.

<><><>

You can be whatever type of person you choose to be.

Your habits, your behaviours, your responses, are all

your choice. –Anonymous.

Goodbye for now, enjoy your lives, Cheers, Merle.

<><><><><><>

Butcher Dance.

Good evening People or Good morning ~~ Whatever.

I had an e-mail from a friend warning of a possible

cause of breast cancer. It said that we should not

use anti-perspirants, as apparently we are meant to

perspire to get the bad stuff out of us. It seems that

deodorants are OK, but not the anti-perspirants. I

thought I would pass it on as something to consider.

Shopping day tomorrow and as it is only once every

two weeks, I get excited about it. No hope for me !!

<><><><>

<><><> This is a joke called the Butcher Dance. <><><>

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer. He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. he Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance. "Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?" "What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it."

<><><> "Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree." "Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there." <><><>

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night. He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains. The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek. When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

<><><>

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not till next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?" "No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year." Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it. But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided. Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon. "The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!" The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

<><><>

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant. "What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief. "Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

<><><> The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about....

<><><><><> It is a long one , but I thought it was funny. <><><><>

<><> I found this is the local paper and laughed. <><>

Some questions asked of technical support personel

about computer problems. . . . . .

Tech support –What kind of computer do you have?

Customer _ A white one.

Customer – Hi this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support – Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer – Yes, sure, but it’s really stuck.

Tech Support –That doesn’t sound good. I’ll make a note.

Customer – No, wait a minute. . . I hadn’t inserted it yet. . .

it’s still on my desk . . . Sorry . . . .

Tech Support – Click on my computer icon on the left of screen

Customer – Your left or my left?

Tech Support – Good day, how may I help you?

Male customer – Hello . . . I can’t print.

Tech support – Would you click on “start” for me and . . .

Customer – Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me.

I’m not Bill Gates.

Customer – Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha.. I can’t print.

Every time I try, it says “Can’t find printer”. I have even lifted

the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer

still says he can’t find it. . .

Customer - I have problems printing in red . . .

Tech support – Do you have a colour printer?

Customer – Aaah . . . thank you.

Tech support – What is on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer – A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

Customer – I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen

saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse

it disappears.

Tech support – How may I help you ?

Customer – I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support – OK, what seems to be the problem?

Customer – Well I have the “a” in the address, but how do I

get the circle around it ?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem

with her printer.

Tech support - Are you running it under Windows?

Customer – No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good

point. The man in the next cubicle next to me is under the

window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support – Okay Bob, let’s press the control key and escape keys at the same time.That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer – I don’t have a P.

Tech support – On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer – What do you mean?

Tech support – “P” . . . on your keyboard, Bob.

Ccustomer – I’m not going to do that !!!

<><><><> I hope you got a few laughs folks. <><><><>

<><><> Just a few thoughts. <><><>

The secret of making something work in your lives is first of

all, the deep desire to make it work; then the faith and belief

that it can work; then to hold clear definite vision in your

consciousness and see it working out step by step, without one

thought of doubt or disbelief. –Eileen Caddy.

<><> Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what

you see. --Proverb.

<><> Believe in the best, think your best, study your best, have

a goal for your best, never be satisfied with less than your

best, try your best and in the long run things will turn out

for the best. – Henry Ford.

<><> Good, better, best,

May you never rest,

Until your good is better,

And your better best. Anonymous.

Cheerio for now, Take care of each other, Merle.

<><><><><><><>