Special Grocery List.

Hello there ~~ I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. I had a good rest and got up late then raked up more leaves, and thankfully they have nearly all fallen. I t has been a warmer day after yesterday. John is home from his trip to Mildura, where they got rain, but we didn’t. <><><><><> John is an excellent Darts player and has won heaps of trophies over the years, and it is Dart’s night on Mondays. Ash is still home, has a weigh in on Tuesday and if he has lost any weight, it’s back to hospital. It will be good when the change of tablets is complete in five more weeks. <><><><><><> A nice little story. <><><><><><> SPECIAL GROCERY LIST <><><><><><> Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. <><><><><><> She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food <><><><><><> John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. <><><><><><> Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." <><><><><><> John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store. <><><><><><> Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. <><><><><><> The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?" <><><><><><> Louise replied, "Yes sir." "O.K" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries." <><><><><><> Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed. <><><><><><> The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. <><><><><><> The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." <><><><><><> The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. <><><><><><><> The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands." <><><><><><> The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence <><><><><><> Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; "It was worth every penny of it . Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs." <><><><><><><> THE POWER OF PRAYER ~~ May you always walk with Angels. <><><><> <><><><><><> Thanks Barbara for this story. <><><><><><><> <><><><><><><><> Did you hear about the …….. Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Surgeon forced to take a cut in salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had it’s assets frozen? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn’t cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got in to a sticky situation? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers? The train company that went off the rails? The ship building company that sunk? The dental practice that was rotten to it’s roots? <><><><><><> <><><><><> Quick joke to finish <><><><><> A couple drove down a country road for several kilometres, not saying a word. Earlier they’d had an argument, and now neither of them wanted to give in. <><><><><> As they passed a paddock of sheep, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically: “Relatives of yours?” <><><><><> “Yep,” the wife replied, “my in-laws.” <><><><> Cheers, Merle. <><><><>

Children's Rights.

Hi Folks ~~ Well it is Saturday night here in Australia

and it has been a very cold day. Melbourne had a top

temperature of 9 degrees C. and I doubt if we got any

higher. It is supposed to rain, which would be great, but

I think snow is in the air. We don’t get snow here though

only on the mountains.

<><><><><><><>

Children’s Bill of Rights. Author Unknown.

My son came home from school one day, with that smile on his face. Watch me blow my Mum away, I’ll put her in her place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two, taught by Mr Wright. It was all about the law today. The Children’s Bill of Rights.

I don’t have to clean my room or even cut my hair. No one can tell me what to eat or choose the clothes I wear.

Freedom of speech is my constitutional guarantee. It is my choice of what to read or watch on TV.

I have freedom of religion, and no matter what you say, I don’t have to ask your God for help. I don’t have to kneel to pray.

I can also wear an earring in my ear or even pierce my nose. I can have the Devil’s number tattooed across my toes.

Hey, if you spank me, I can charge you with assault. I can back up all my charges with the black and blue results.

Don’t ever touch my body, it is for me to use, and all those hugs and kisses are a form of child abuse.

Don’t fill my head with morals like your mother did to you. There’s such a thing as mind control, that’s illegal too.

Mom, I have these children’s rights. You can’t do a thing to me. I’ll just call the children’s services, better known as C.S.D.

My very first impression was to toss him out the door, but here is a chance to teach a lesson for once and ever more.

I kind of mulled it over, but I didn’t let it go. This kid of mine doesn’t realize, he is working with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping. Much to his dismay, I didn’t buy him 501s or shirts designed by Nike.

I called and talked to C.S.D. They said they didn’t care, if I bought him Volume shoes, or a pair of Nike Airs.

I cancelled his appointment to test his driving skills. I’d probably be dead by now, if only looks could kill.

I don’t have time to stop and eat, get stuff for you to munch. I followed C.S.D.’s advice, I bought you a big sack lunch

So, you say you’re not so hungry, You can wait till dinner time. I am fixing liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.

So, you want to get a movie to watch on the VCR. Gosh I sold that television to buy tires for my car.

I also rented out your room. You don’t really need a bed. All I have to do is put a roof over your head.

As long as I will buy your clothes and all the food you eat. I can keep your allowance and buy me something really neat.

I know you like the tacos after we have shopped all day. Son, I have my bill of rights. They go in effect today.

Son, Why are you crying ? What are you doing on your knees? You’re asking God to help you, instead of C.S.D.?

<><><><><><><> Repeat of an old Joke. <><><><><><><>

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that shestripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled “Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. YES! YES! I WON, I WON.” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?

”

The other answered, “I don’t know ~ I thought you were watching.”

MORAL : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

<><><><><><> A few quickies. <><><><><><>

A lady put an ad in the newspaper “Husband Wanted”. The next day she got 100 letters, all saying the same thing : “You can have mine.”

<><><><><>

Just think, if it wasn’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

<><><><><><>

If you want your spouse to listen and really pay attention to every word you say ~~ talk in your sleep.

<><><><><><><> Bye for now, Merle. <><><><><><><>

Grandpas.

Today is Friday here in Australia, so our weekend is near.

I hope you all have a great weekend when it gets to you.

John rang from Mildura about lunch-time. It is about six

hours north of Shepparton and is close to the borders of

both South Australia and New South Wales. I hope he is

able to keep warm tonight in a small tent and inside a swag.

Which is probably called a Bed roll ?

<><><><><>

His daughter Bec rang him for his birthday and was barely

able to speak. She has a throat infection, very sore, and she

can’t speak at all . She is on medication from Doctor, so hope

she will soon feel better. Thinking about you Bec.!!

<><><><><>

We have a long weekend, with Monday being the day we honor

the Queen’s birthday ( She was 80 in April) but it suits to

have it celebrated in June. I do not know why. Perhaps to

spread the holidays, as Easter is late March or April.

<><><><><><>

Tonight we begin with a Grandpa Poem. Fair’s fair after all.

WALKING WITH GRANDPA.

I like to walk with Grandpa,

His steps are short like mine.

He doesn’t sau “Now Hurry Up”

He always takes his time,

<><><><><>

I like to walk with Grandpa,

His eyes see things like mine do –

Wee pebbles bright, a funny cloud.

Half hdden drops of dew.

<><><><><><>

Most people have to hurry,

They don’t stop and see.

I’m glad that God made Grandpa,

Unrushed, and young like me. Poem by Thena Smith.

<><><><><> Eight words with two Meanings. <><><><><>

1. THINGY ~ Female…Any part under a car’s hood.

! Male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE

Female .. Fully opening up oneself emotionally to another.

Male …..Playing cricket without a box. ???

3. COMMUNICATION

Female… The open sharing of thoughts & feelings with partner

Male…..Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT

Female .. A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male…..Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one

ENTERTAINMENT

Female… A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male…..Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE

Female.. An embarrassing by product of indigestion

Male. A source of entertainment, self-expresson, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE

Female…The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male >> Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL

Female .. A device for changing from one TV channel to aother

Male.. A device for scanning through all 375 channels every

five minutes.

<><><><><><><> Joke of the Day ~ not very nice <><><><><><>

A homeless man knocks on the door and when the lady answers

he says: “Lady, I haven’t eaten for days. Could you spare a bite

to eat?”

She said: “You poor man, would you like some of yesterday’s soup?” “you bet I would,” he said.

“Fine,” she said, “come back tomorrow.”

<><><><><> I did warn that it was not very nice. <><><><><>

Now for a riddle ~~ Not very easy (in my opinion) Now I guess

you will all find it very simple!! Oh Well. <><><><>

The Riddle.

Seven letters are we,

Three different words we make,

Guess us or be ridiculed;

Your reputation’s at stake.

<><><><><>

The first has pictures,

Paintings and such,

The second causes sneezing,

from ragwood or dust

<><><><><>

The third is an adverb,

It’s hard to explain,

It’s the same as immensely

But it’s much more plain.

<><><><><>

These clues are sparse

This riddle may be tough.

But if you’re smart

Then it will be enough.

<><><><><><> Answers in Comments. Bye for now. <><><><><>

Grandmas.

Hi Everyone ~~ Here we go again. Thanks to those who wished John a Happy Birthday. He had to work, but then is off for a long weekend at Mildura with the Ulysses (Sp?) Club on his Motor-cycle to camp for the weekend. Personally I think he will freeze, but I hope not. The motto of this club is “To Grow Old Disgracefully.” Great motto. John does not drink at all, so I have no worries there.

<><><><><> Short Poem ~ What are Grandmas For? <><><><><>

Grandmas are for stories

about things of long ago.

Grandmas are for caring

about all the things you know…

<><><><><>

Grandmas are for rocking you

and singing you to sleep,

Grandmas are for giving you

nice memories to keep….

<><><><><>

Grandmas are for knowing

all the things you’re dreaming of….

But most importantly of all,

grandmas are for love. Author unknown.

<><><><><><>

<><><><> Thirty Lines to make you smile. <><><><>

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriosly; No one gets out alive.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I’m not a complete idiot ~ Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when

I grew up.

Procrastinate Now.

I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

A Hangover is a wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

<><><><> I hope you enjoyed some of those and didn’t

relate to too many of them !! <><><><><>

You know you’re living in 2006 when……

You accidently enter your passwod on the microwave.

You haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.

Your reason for not stayng in touch with friends and family

is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for

three different companies.

You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t

have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause

for panic and you turn around to go get it.

<><><><><><> And finally a little joke. <><><><><><>

John tells us he was at the hole-in-the-wall the other day and the sweet little old lady in front of him in the queue was having problems.

“She asked me to check her balance,” John said. “I gave her a push and she fell over.”

So I told her her balance wasn’t very good.”

<><><><><> That’s it for this post. Cheers. <><><><><>

A Billion.

Howdy Folks ~~ Back again with another enthralling post.

I hope that everything is going well for you all and you are

not too hot or too cold depending where you are. I am fine.

Tomorrow, my son John wil be 52 years old, so I guess I

have an excuse to feel old. I was 20 when he was born.

So a very Happy Birthday John and many more of them.

No putting it off any longer ~~ now I have to work out what

to put on this post.

We will start with “A Billion.” That WOULD be a nice start.

<><><><><>

You often hear the number “one billion” bantered around, But

such a big number is hard to get a handle on. An advertising

agency found the following :

A.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959,

B.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone

Age.

D.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

E.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the

rate our government spends it.

<><><><> Some Political Correct Expressions ~~ <><><><>

Drunk = Spacially Perplexed

Bisexual = Sexually Non preferential

Bald =Folically Challenged or Comb-Free

Girl = Pre-Woman

Short = Vertically Challenged

Airhead = Reality Impaired

Dead = Metabolically Challenged

Poor = Economically Unprepared

Hunter = Animal Assassin

Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider

Housewife = Domestic Technician

Deaf = Visually Oriented

Ugly = Attractively Impaired

Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded.

<><><><> Joke for today <><><><>

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was asleep

“Tell me Mary Magaret, who created the Universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, her friend little Johnny who

sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear….

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, “Very good” and continued to teach her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord

and Savior?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again,

Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun said again:

“Very good.” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…. “What did Eve say to Adam

after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret

jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me

one more time, I’ll break it in half ! !” The Nun fainted.

<><><> A puzzle ~~ What do these people have in common?

Kofi Annan, Jerry Hall, Alanis Morrisette, Isabella Rosellini,

Kiefer Sutherland, Mario Andretti, Curtis Strange,

Joseph Fiennes and Montgomery Clift.

Answer in Comments. I did not know until I read it.

<><><><><><> Bye for now. <><><><><><>

Workplace Wisdom.

Hi there, all you clever folks who figured out the Eskimo

puzzle. I was thinking grandfather myself. I will have to

find another one.

Well today, I got a taxi to our Woolworth’s Marketplace

and got a few things I wanted. My son John picked me up

after he finished work so that was really good. He will

turn 52 on Thursday 8^th June. No wonder I am old !!

I asked him how Ashley was and was happy to hear that

they think the tablets he has to take are taking his appetite

away. That was what I was thinking weeks ago, and they are

in the process of changing to a different tablet, but that is

going to take 6 weeks to get him gradually off one and on to

another. These will not be easy weeks for Ash or his mother.

Thank you all for your concern and caring. He is a great kid

only 14 years old and does not need this.

<><><><><><><> Workplace Wisdom <><><><><><><><><>

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along

without it.

3. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days

the statue.

4. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

5. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their

level, then beat you with experience.

6. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick

in the ass.

7. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t

be promoted.

8. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you will get.

9. You can go anywhere you like if you look serious and carry

a clipboard.

10. Everything can be filed under ‘miscellanious’.

11. To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.

12. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you

are really good, you will get out of it.

.

13. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing wold get done.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look

worried.

14. Needing smeone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t

there the first time, chances are you wont be needing

him again.

15. I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound as

they go flying by.

<><><><><> Joke of the Day ~~ <><><><><>

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing

Jock’s upcoming wedding.

“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything

organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the

reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night”

Archie nods approvingly.

“Havans, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in” says Jock.

“A kilt? exclaims Archie. “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in

that! And what’s the tartan?” Archie then inquires.

“Och”, says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white….”

<><><><><><> An easy puzzle tonight. <><><><><><>

Count every “F “ in the following text :

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF

SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. ~~~~~~~

Answer in comments. Goodnight/ morning to all ~~~~

<><><><><><><>

Memo from God.

Hi folks ~~ Another cold evening in Australia, 4 degrees C.

and getting colder and it’s only 9.30 pm. It will get to Zero

or below before morning. I am fortunate, with heating and

an electric blanket to warm my bed.

Enough about the weather. I had a lady come to vacuum etc

today, she comes fortnightly for an hour and a half.

Then I had an young attractive lady call in to ask if I wanted

to sell my house. A phone call from an Electricity company

wanting me to join them but I already use them, Exciting ??

<><><><><> A story called : Memo from God. <><><><><>

To: YOU

Date: TODAY

From: THE BOSS

Subject: YOURSELF

Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them !!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know.

<><><><><><> Joke of the day <><><><><><>

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks: “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now.

“Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capeli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo then?”

“Please Father I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.

“You’re very tight-lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you have sinned and have to atone.

“You cannot attend church services for four months,

Now go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides

over and whispers: “What did you get?”

“Four months’ vacation, and five good leads.”

<><><><><> A puzzle ~~ Answer in comments. <><><><><>

No Peeking !!

There were two Eskimos fishing on the same iceberg. One

of them was the father of the other one’s son.

How is this possible?

<><><><><><> That’s all folks. <><><><><><><>

Little Tony.

Back again to say Hello again. Well my weekend is just about over. It has been very quiet and quite cold, so my heater is working overtime. My friend Ann was saying how she took her three Great-Grand-Daughters to the Dollar shop for a treat.

Well I used to like to do that with my grandchildren when they lived closer to me. Their mother seemed to think most things at the $2 shop were rubbish. I remember trying to help them choose some little thing and being asked, “Is this rubbish, Grandma?” My thought: Well they do not cost much, so long as the kids get some fun out of them. There were always cute hair decorations, and little puzzles etc.

<><><><> A story a friend sent me. Thanks Jan.

<><><>

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

<><><><><>

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'" "What's the f-ing difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

<><><><><><>

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

<><><><><><>

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

<><><><><> LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f-ing beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f-ing business.

You gotta LOVE Little Tony!!!!!

<><><><><>

<><>Now I’ll look for something a little more refined.<><>

Author unknown, So let’s call it “ONE” :

One song can spark a moment

One flower can wake the dream

One tree can start a forest

One bird can herald Spring

One smile begins a friendship

One handclasp lifts a soul

One star can guide a ship at sea

One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation

One sunbeam lights a room

One candle wipes out darkness

One laugh will conquer gloom

One step must start each journey

One word must start a prayer

One hope will raise our spirits

One touch can show you care

One voice can speak with wisdom

One heart can know what is true

One Life can make a difference

You see, it’s up to you!!

<><><><>

There are only ten body parts with three letters…..

Can you name all of them? Answer in comments.

Thanks for that idea Judy.

<><><><><> Bye for now <><><><><>

Another If.

Howdy Folks ~~ How is life treating you this weekend?

I hope you are all fit and well and have a great break

over the weekend. I am fine and keeping nice and warm.

<><><><><>

I want to clear up my statement last post, about leading a

boring life. I am far from being bored and do not think that

I am boring. What I meant was ~ my day to day life doesn’t

vary much and there are no stories to tell about it.

That is why I mainly post the things that I do. I would like

to thank my friends who commented that I was not boring !!

<><><><><><>

The following was posted in my comments by Thomas L B after

my post about Following Dog’s Rules for Life. I hope you enjoy

it. I have called it Another If.

<><><><><><>

I worked with a man once who had the following posted above his desk, and your post reminded me of it:

Consider this:

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, my friend, You are ALMOST as good as your dog!

<><><><><><><><>

We only need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools; WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

<><><><><> Remember ~~ <><><><><>

1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get

another chance.

<><><><><> And a frog joke. <><><<><><><>

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see

from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog

says his name is Kermit Jagger, his Dad is Mick Jagger, and

that it’s quite OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains

that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly

formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with

the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “ There’s a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to

borrow $30,000…….and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world

is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says…….

“It’s a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

<><><><><><> And a Short Story ~~~ <><><><>

A class was told they had to write a short story in as few

words as possible. The short story had to contain the

following three things:

1. Religion. 2. Sexuality. 3. Mystery.

This was the A+ short story:

Good God, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.

<><><><><><><> Cheers to all. <><><><><><>

Brothers.

Hi All ~~ I was wondering what to post tonight as my life is pretty

boing, compared to most others. I am not complaining, but I am a

little old lady living alone, so there are no fascinating tales to tell.

Anyway, I received an e-mail from a friend titled “Brothers”, so

I hope you enjoy it. Thanks Jan.

<><><><><>

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievious.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in

disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy

to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy

down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide

eyed and his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is

God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys

face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dived into his

closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble

this time."

(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

<><><><>More kid’s views on their mothers.. <><><><>

What did Mum need to know about Dad before they got married?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?

and does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year?

<><><><><>

Why did Mum marry your Dad?

1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my

Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anyting else with him.

3. My Grandma says Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

<><><><><><>

What’s the difference between Mums and Dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home, and Dads just go

to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Mums have the real power

‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at

your friend’s place. Mums have magic, they make you feel

better without medicine.

<><><><><><>

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would

it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean,

I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my

sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on

the back of her head.

<><><><><><> Some Sayings. <><><><><><>

Remember, it is always darkest just before it goes totally

black.

<><><><><>

Some people are funny. They spend money they don’t have,

to buy things they don’t need, to imptress people they

don’t like.

<><><><><><>

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

<><><><><>

Those of you who think you know everything

are annoying to those of us who do.

<><><><><><><> Bye for now. <><><><><><><>

Butterfly.

Hi there People ~~~ I hope all is well in your world.

I am quite happy in mine, especially when the Heater

is on. While some of you are sweltering, some of us

definitely are not.!

<><><><><>

I read this in the Shepparton Paper ~~~

DID YOU KNOW…….

There are about 36 million blogs worldwide.

<><><>

The number of blogs doubles every six months.

<><><>

More than 75,000 new blogs are created daily.

<><><>

About 1.2 million posts are made on blogs daily.

<><><><><><>

BUTTERFLY INDIAN LEGEND

If anyone desires a wish to come true they must first capture

a butterfly and whisper that wish to it.

Since a butterfly can make no sound, the butterfly can not

reveal the wish to anyone but the Great Spirit who hears and sees all.

In gratitude for giving the beautiful butterfly its freedom,

the Great Spirit always grants the wish.

So, according to legend, by making a wish and giving the butterfly

its freedom, the wish will be taken to the heavens and be granted.

<><><><><>

Kid’s views on their Mothers. ~~~~~~

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

<><><><><>

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just

used bigger parts.

<><><><><>

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God made mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything

nice in the world and a little dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they

mostly used string, I think.

<><><><>

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot better than other people’s mums

like me.

<><><><>

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be

pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

<><><><>

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn’t want to be, but she has to be because Dad is such

a goofball.

2.Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees things under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

<><><><>

What do Mums do in her spare time?

1. Mothers do not do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day.

<><><><>

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?

1. On the inside she is already perfect. Outside, I think some kind

of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet maybe blue.

<><>><><> There are a few more, I’ll post tomorrow. <>><><>