Rodney Revisited 2

I was reminded of this little episode the other day, when two Aboriginal girls walked past my house and asked “Hello, are you having a good day?” They were about 10 or 12, I think. I told them “Yes, thanks, and I hope you are having a good day too.” They said that they were, smiled and walked on.

Another little story, that I have been sorry that I did not put a small note in the local paper. We always hear the bad things.

Anyway, I drove to a small shopping centre, and on walking on the footpath, I fell over. (I have had a few falls, John says one more, and that will be it!!). Well two tidily dressed young Aboriginal men came to my aid and helped me up, asked if I was OK. Did I need any help to go into the shop etc. Very nice and very kind. These two would be in their early twenties.

I think after this fall, my other son, Geoff suggested I get a walking stick, which I did, and he paid for it. It is my third leg, gives me the stability needed to walk. It is parked near my front door and I always take it to get mail, go shopping or even to turn on a hose in the garden.

I have another at the back door. This one belonged to my favorite uncle. I do appreciate my sticks.

A few jokes etc :

Have you ever noticed?

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.

The only 10 letter word that can be spelled using just the top row letters on a qwerty keyboard is: typewriter.

I have heard this one put differently………

Big Joe, the gangland boss, was shot and dying.

He said to his pregnant wife: “I want my brother George to name the baby, OK?”

She agreed and Big Joe died.

A couple of weeks later, the widow gave birth to a girl.

She rang George to ask him what she should call the child.

George, who was a bit of a dimwit, said “Ah, um, Denise.”

The widow said: “Thank you, that’s a lovely name, George.”

A few days later, at the christening, the widow finds George to thank him again for choosing such a nice name.

“Out of interest, if the baby had been a boy, what would you have called it?”

“Ah, um, Denephew.”

Advice for women…….

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon…… they should be able to put them all up there.

Women don’t make fools of men…most of them are do-it- yourself types.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert or 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what kind of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

Never let your man’s mind wander…it’s too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well…..they never mature anyway.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Rodney Revisited

Rodney revisited ~~ There are a few aboriginal houses around Shepparton, I live next to one of them. There have been several families come and go from there. The previous family

had about 7 children.

The two youngest were great friends of mine, lovely looking

kids who came in after school to say hello and get a biscuit or

two, or a lolly on occasion.

The little girl, about 5 used to say “Hello Old Lady” to me.

She meant it nicely, and I didn’t mind, I am an old lady!!

Peter has written the story About Rodney, about 7 at the time.

This particular day he got on my gate and started to swing on it. I said “Get off the gate Rodney” with no result, so I said

again “Get off the gate please Rodney”, still no result.

So I said “Rodney get off the b****y gate” He did and quickly pointed his finger at me and asked, “Are you a Christian?”

I said “Yes”, he said “Well Christians don”t swear.”

I said “Well if you had got off the b****y gate, I wouldn’t

have had to.” Rodney’s quick reply, “You did it again!!”

He and I remained friends until they moved to Melbourne.

Another Day

Another Day ~~ Nice weather and plenty to do about the place,

and not a lot of it getting done. Had a cooking day again, so now a few days respite from that.

My son John sent me a good e-mail which I will type in for you

The ladies among us will certainly enjoy it.

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it Housework.

3.Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you,”Are you sure you want to delete

Housework permanently?”

6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button

firmly………

7. Feel better?

It works for me.

If only it could be so easy.

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This next poem was sent to me by a blogger after my entry of

Take the Time. Thank you " abandoned in pasadena."

The author is unknown.

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I knelt to pray but not for long,

I had too much to do.

I had to hurry and get to work

For bills would soon be due.

So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,

And jumped up off my knees.

My Christian duty was now done

My soul could rest at ease…….

All day long I had no time

To spread a word of cheer

No time to speak of Christ to friends,

They’d laugh at me I’d fear.

No time, no time, too much to do,

That was my constant cry.

No time to give to souls in need

But at last the time, the time to die.

I went before the Lord,

I came, I stood with downcast eyes.

For in his hands God held a book;

It was the book of life.

God looked into his book and said

“Your name I cannot find.

I once was going to write it down…….

But never found the time.”

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Couple of jokes as usual…..

Three men out on a bushwalk came to a raging river, which they had to cross.

The first man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Pow! He had big arms and strong legs and swam across in two hours.

The second man prayed: “Please God, give me the strength and

the tools to cross this river.”

Pow! He had a rowing boat and was able to cross in an hour.

The third man pleaded: “Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.”

Pow! God turned him into a woman, she looked at the map, then

strolled 200 metres upstream and walked across the bridge.

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A little boy goes to his father and asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers:” Well, son, your mom and I first got

together in a chat room on Yahoo.

“Then I set up a date via email with your mom and we met at

a cyber café.

“We sneaked into a private room, where your mother agreed

to a download from my hard drive.

“As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither

of us had set up a firewall, and it was too late to hit the

escape key.

“nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared: It said:

“You’ve got male.”

<><><><><><><><> That is it for now, Cheers.

Short Post

This will be a short post tonight as it has been a hectic day.

Finally I got Broadband on and working- with only two phone calls to Peter. It is great being able to talk while on the internet. John has also been here, ringing and e-mailing.

He is playing Darts tonight. He is very good at that and has

heaps of trophies as he wins often.

Couple of jokes…….

There’s a shooting gallery among the sideshows at the Royal

Melbourne Show, with a row of very battered ducks marching across the back of the tent.

A drunk weaves into view and demands a go at “the Ping Ping Ping.”

The stallholder thinks it might be a bit dangerous and tries to talk him out of it, but the drunk insists.

Eventually the stallholder agrees, after all business has been quiet.

The drunk knocks three ducks over, “ping,ping,ping”.

“Struth.” says the stallholder, “you’ve won a prize>”

So he reaches under the counter and pulls out a small live tortoise from a bucket.

“Beauty,” says the drunk and he staggers off.

A while later he fronts up again, if anyting slightly more

inebriated, demanding another go.

This time the stallholder is even more reluctant to hand over the air rifle, but there’s not exactly a queue of customers waiting. So he gives the bloke another go.

“Ping, ping, ping” and down go three tin ducks.

“Blimey,” says the stallholder in astonishment, you’ve won

another bloody prize.”

And reaching down, he presents the drunk with a kewpie doll.

“What’s that?” the drunk asks.

“It’s your prize, a kewpie doll,” says the shooting gallery bloke.

“I don’t want a bloody kewpie doll,” the drunk says, “I want

a meat pie like the last time.”

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A Lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defence,

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles,” the enterprising lawyer said.

His arm is not himself and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for the offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied, “Using your logic, I sentence

the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can

accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyers help he detached

his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

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Sorry, neither was wonderful, but I’ll be back.

Have a great day folks.

Take the Time.

A few items for you and a couple of jokes.

Take Time.

Take time to laugh

It is the music of the soul.

Take time to think

It is the source of power.

Take time to play

It is the source of perpetual youth.

Take time to read

It is the fountain of wisdom.

Take time to pray

It is the greatest power on earth.

Take time to love and be loved

It is a God-given privilege.

Take time to be friendly

It is the road to happiness.

Take time to give

It is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to work

It is the price of success. – Author unknown.

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The Difference.

I got up early one morning and rushed right into the day;

I had so much to accomplish that I didn’t have time to pray,

Problems just tumbled about me, and heavier came each task

“Why doesn’t God help me?” I wondered.

He answered, “You didn’t ask.”

I wanted to see joy and beauty, but the day toiled on, gray and

bleak; I wondered why God didn’t show me.

He said,”You didn’t seek.”

I tried to come into God’s presence, I used all my keys at the lock, God gently and lovingly chided,

“My child you didn’t knock.”

I woke up early this morning, and paused before entering the day,

I had so much to accomplish that I had to take time to pray.

Author unknown.

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A young Scottish boy decided to try life in Australia.

He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see

how her son was doing in his new life.

“I’m fine,” Angus said, “but there are some really strange people living in these apartments.

“One woman cries all day long, another lies on the floor moaning

and there’s a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.”

“Well laddie,” says his mother, “I suggest you don’t associate

with people like that.”

“Oh.” says Angus, I don’t Mum, I don’t.

“No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night,

playing my bagpipes.”

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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law

in the back seat.

And the women just won’t leave the poor guy alone.

His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!”

His wife says; “ Stay to the left.”

After several more minutes of orders from both of them, the

poor man has had enough.

He pulls over and barks to the pair of them, “Who’s driving

this car --- you or your mother?”

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Inspirations.

Hi Folks ~~ It is Monday evening here. I have been busy, with

my son John’s help getting organised for Broadband. It is all set up, and just has to be activated by the Company when they receive payment. Isn’t that always the way?

Laws Of Success:

Do you want something? ~ Will you pay the price?

The great sin ~~ Gossip.

The great crippler ~~ Fear.

The greatest mistake ~~ Giving up.

The most satisfying experience ~ Doing your duty first.

The best action ~~ Keep the mind clear and judgement good.

The greatest blessing ~~ Good health.

The biggest fool ~~ The man who lies to himself.

The great gamble ~~ Substituting hope for facts.

The most certain thing in life ~~ Change.

The greatest joy ~~ Being needed.

The cleverest man ~The one who does what he thinks is right.

The most potent force ~~ Positive thinking.

The greatest opportunity ~~ The next one.

The greatest thought ~~ God.

The greatest victory ~~ Victory over self.

The best play ~~ Successful work.

The greatest handicap ~~ Egotism.

The most expensive indulgence ~~ Hate.

The most dangerous man ~~ The liar.

The most ridiculous trait ~~ False pride.

The greatest loss ~~ Loss of self confidence.

The greatest need ~~ Common sense.

By Jack Yianitsas, Laws of Success.

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Don’t Be Afraid To Fail……

You have failed many times, although you may not remember.

You fell down the first time you tried to walk.

You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim,didn’tyou?

Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat?

Heavy hitters, the ones who hit the most home runs, also strike out a lot.

R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York

caught on.

English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published564 books.

Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs.

Don’t worry about failure.

Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.

A Message as published in the Wall Street Journal.

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I Think I Can.

If you think you are beaten you are;

If you think you dare not, you don’t;

If you want to win but think you can’t;

It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

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If you think you’ll lose you’re lost;

For out of the world we find

Success begins with a fellow’s will;

It’s all in a state of mind.

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Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger and faster man,

But sooner or later the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can. Author unknown.

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I hope some of the above will inspire you all. Have a great

week. Life is good. Every day above ground is a good day.

Weekend again.

Weekend again. Hope everyone out there is feeling as well and happy as I am. No real complaints, which is a nice change.

Lovely day again. I do like these in between seasons – Autumn

and Spring. Not too hot and not too cold. Now if we could please have some rain – preferrably at night.

A bit like saying “Lord give me patience –- NOW.”

Our Commomwealth Games are due to finish tomorrow, with

a great Closing Ceromony ( I hope). It has been good to watch

some of the athletes, Swimming, diving, athletics and games

of every sort. Personally I am not keen on the boxing or the

shooting. But like most ot the others.

My nephew, Marcus has returned to Western Australia after

9 days in Melbourne, with his two youngest boys, a teacher and

ten girls. They saw a lot and had a wonderful time. Marcus posted lots of great photos too.

The usual couple of funnies >>>>>>>

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?”

The cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff …. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red-head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants …. so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts … so I did.

Then she looks at me kind of sexy and says,…….

“Now go to town cowboy …” And here I am.

Son of a gun, Blonde Men do exist !!!!!

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One day God calls out to Noah again, and says: “Noah I want

you to build another Ark, and because we have been overrun

with carp I want you to build it out of carp bones.”

Noah looks God fair and square in the eye and says: “You’re

joking, right?”

“No,” says God, “and there is more. It has to be three storeys

high.”

Noah yells back in disbelief, “You want me to build a three

storey carp ark?”

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One for the older ones amongst us :

The older person is not forgetful, it is just that there are so many more items stored in the

library that it may take longerto find the relevant information for an older person than it

does for the young brain which has yet to fill it’s shelves with information.

Hope that makes everyone feel better! Cheers!

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Friday again.

Friday again ~~ How quickly the weeks go by, when we don’t keep an eye on them. I had a big cooking day, and now will not need to do more for awhile. It is quite warm here again, but not unbearable.

Did a bit of gardening yesterday, only cutting things back as I cannot do much, unfortunately.

I feel so sorry for all the people who lost homes etc in the cyclone Larry.

It was nice of George W. Bush to offer assistance, which John Howard refused, as unnecessary at this time.

They are still without power, water etc four days later.

It is on the way, but they need it NOW.

A couple of funnies…

A man and a woman are involved in a car accident: it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re

a man. That’s interesting, I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live in

peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t

break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our

good fortune and see where the evening leads.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and

immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

MORAL OF THIS STORY>

Women are clever. Don’t mess with them…

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Everything I need to know about life I learned from Noah’s

Ark.

1 Don’t miss the boat.

2 Remember we are all in the same boat.

3 Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

4 Stay fit. When you are 600 years old, someone may ask

you to do something really big.

5 Don’t listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs

to be done.

6 Build your future on high ground.

7 For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

8 Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board

with the cheetahs.

9 When you are stressed, float a while.

10 Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by

professionals.

11 No matter the storm when you are with God, there’s

always a rainbow waiting.

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Stress Management

Today’’s post is about Stress Management.

I believe this philosophy can healp us through our challenges.

I hope it helps you.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,

raised a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of

water?”

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500 grams.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter.

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold

it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner

or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t

be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while

and rest, before holding it again.

When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”

“So before you go home tonight, put the burden of work

down. Don’t carry it home.

You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.”

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX.

Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.

Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.

Life is short. Enjoy it !

>>>>>>>>

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

Drive carefully. It is not only cars that can be recalled

by their maker.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be

vague.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person

again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to

serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,

because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up

and dance.

Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird,

sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the

wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the

longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may

also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery

on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought

about you today.

>>>>>>>>>

Finally : I decided to take an aerobics class.

I bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down

for an hour.

But by the time I got my leotard on, the class

was over.

>>>>>>>

Test Post Direct

Hi ~ I am trying this directly on New Post, to see if it works. I do not have a lot of faith in this at present. Merle. >>>>>>> It actually worked. But boy, do I need that Stress Management to work.!! I feel like King Bruce's spider -- If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. >>>>>>> OK Now it has published but has it all close together, in spite of editing several times and leaving huge spaces between the two sentences, as I guess it will do with this too I also tried the Stress thing again with same result. Sress is the word.

Hello again. or part of it.

This post was done on Tuesday but it would not post, tried again

yesterday with no luck, and it is now Thursday so will try again.

If it still wont work ~ I will be heading for my next shopping

day. Most frustrating.!!

Hello again ~~ Today has been busy. I got taken shopping by a

lady from the council and as usual two hours goes very quickly.

This happens once a fortnight, so I have to really think about

what I need.

I have been trying to get Broadband on for almost a month, and have decided to try another company. My sons, in particular, like to be able to ring me, and can’t on Dial up.

Thank you girls, Joy, Judy and June for your kind words,

and I am OK again. I haven’t had such a bad attack before,

and hope it wont be back. Looking at diet, and some natural

products to help. Just one of life’s little problems !!

Today’’s post is about Stress Management.

I believe this philosophy can help us through our challenges.

I hope it helps you.

I will post this bit and try for the Stress Management later. At present I am needing it.

More Choices

Hi folks it’s Peter here, Merle is having trouble posting at present, so as a test I’m going to try posting from my place, you will see the results if it has worked.

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, shaved, with his hair fashionably coiffed, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from it what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3 Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

Hi Folks

Hi Folks ~~ Happy to be back with you. I had a really bad day and night with gout. Pain was bad, but is OK again today.

I don’t even drink, nor eat rich foods. Oh well, many are so much worse off, and I hope they are getting some respite.

My son John has sent me some jokes, so here goes…….

Two elderly ladies were in a beauty salon getting their hair

done, when in walked a young chick with a low cut blouse that

revealed a beautiful rose tattoed on one breast.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, “Poor thing, she

doesn’t know it, but in 45 years she’ll have a long stemmed rose

in a hanging basket.”

**********

Men are like……….

1. Men are like …LAXATIVES… They irritate the **** out of you .

2. Men are like BANANAS…The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like ..WEATHER…Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like BLENDERS…You need one, but not sure why.

5. Men are like CHOCOLATE BARS… Sweet, smooth, and they

usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like COMMERCIALS…..You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like DEPARTMENT STORES…Their clothes are always 50% off.

8, Men are like….GOVERNMENT BONDS…They take soooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like …MASCARA.. They usually run at the first sign

of emotion.

10. Men are like….POPCORN…They satisfy you, but only for a

little while.

11. Men are like … SNOWSTORMS…You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get of how long it will last.

12. Men are like…LAVA LAMPS…..Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like…. PARKING SPOTS…. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Some choice ones there !!!

A few wise old sayings…….

Having two ears and one tongue, we should listen twice as

much as we speak. Turkish.

Have confidence in yourself and you can lick anything. Anon.

He that is hard to please, may get nothing in the end.Aesop.

Health is better than wealth. Unknown.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Thomas Norton & Thomas Sackville.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. American saying.

If you believe everything you read, better not read. Japanese.

If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.

Aesop.

If you have, give; if you lack, seek. Malay.

If you kick a stone in anger you will hurt your foot. Korean.

If youth knew, if age could. Henri Estienne.

In a crisis, give help first and then advice, Aesop.

It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. American mothers.

It’s OK to make a mistake, as long as you learn from it. Anon.

Well that is enough wisdom for today. I hope you found something of interest.

Sunday fun.

Sunday ~ Quiet day, Time to read some blogs and comment. It is good getting to know everybody a little better. There are so many things we can learn from each other. Life is good.!!

Some things to think about.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening rule: when weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals

dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the

world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it

takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think

I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”

Why do some people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the

bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical. what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from

morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his

head out the window?

Does pushing the elavator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Some fun ones and even naughty ones.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

A joke to finish…….

A woman takes her pet budgie to the vet because it is listless and lethargic.

She hands the budgie to the vet who takes one look at it lying on the table and says: “I’m going to have to do some tests.”

He goes away and comes back with a caged feral cat and places it down next to the budgie.

The cat screeches and claws at the cage, trying to get to the bird, but the budgie just raises it’s head, looks at the cat for a second and then lies back down again.

So the doctor goes away again and brings back a huge, slobbering labrador, which strains on the leash trying to get to the bird.

Once again, the bird just picks up it’s head, looks at the dog and lays back down again.

The doctor tells the woman: “This is terrible. I really don’t think there’s anything I can do but that will be $150 please.”

The woman cries out: “$150! But you didn’t do anything.”

Doctor: “Well, there was the labraport and catscan.”

+++++++++++++

Poem and jokes.

If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it and

share with you it’s beauty

On the days you’re feeling blue.

********

If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own;

A place to find serenity,

A place to be alone.

***************

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea,

But all these things I’m finding

are impossible for me.

**********

I cannot build a mountain

Or catch a rainbow fair.

But let me be what I know best,

A friend who’s always there.

***********

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Three women die together in an

accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says,

“We only have one rule here in heaven:

don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a

duck, and although they try their best to

avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

So St. Peter chains them together and says,”Your

punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity

chained to this ugly man !”

The next day, the second woman accidently steps on a

duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them

together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a very,VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go for months without stepping on any ducks,

but one day St. Peter comes up with the most handsome man

she has ever laid eyes on ………very tall, long eyelashes,

muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve

being chained to you for all eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you,

but I stepped on a duck !”

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Don’t stop reading this just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd

what I was rdgnieg,

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid

aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it

deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are,

the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat

ltteer be ib the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm.

This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed arvey lteter by

istef, but the word as a wlohe, Amzanig huh?

Try Spell checking that. Cheers, Merle.

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Today's jokes.

. I could not even open Blogger, and once when I did, New Post wouldn’t open. All’s well that end’s well !!

Thanks Peter and Meg for comments, now lost when I deleted

the first effort. Same problems today.

Well, it is about my lunch-time, so will find a couple of jokes, to finish with. I get a lot from the Melb. paper, but they are off

while the Games are on. So have to find my own.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

# # # # # # # # # #

“Would you like to speak to the man of the house……or the

woman who knows what’s going on?”

# # # # # # # # # #

Bubba and Junior (mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced “Eighteen feet six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed: “Aint that just like a dumb

blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”

One for the blondes !! # # # # #

A farmer goes to his vet complaining that birds keep nesting

in his horse’s mane and asks how he can get rid of the pests.

The vet says to go to the bakery and get some yeast and rub it

into the mane to fix the problem.

Lo and behold this works and curious, the farmer asks how the

yeast worked.

The vet said it was quite simple: “Yeast is Yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.”

Some classic quotes. # # # # # #

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian,

you should have remained a virgin.” Lillian Carter (mother if Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall. Eleanor Roosevelt.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish ot withdraw that statement, Mark Twain.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx.

# # # # # # # # # #

Nice day again.

Nice day again ~ I like it. It is strange that my Northern friends are awaiting Spring and Summer, and we in the Southern Hemisphere are enjoying Autumn (Fall) and go

to Winter next.

In a way it is good ~~ It means we are not experiencing

Bush-fires and floods etc at the same time, and so can be called on to help each other in emergencies if needed.

Had a taxi ride to and from the podiatrist this morning.

It amazes me how some taxi drivers chat freely and

make the trips more comfortable.

While others say “Where to?” and little else. As I live

alone (usually) it is nice to chat about the weather, or how busy their day has been, or the gardens etc that we pass.

The women are usually more talkative~~ no comments from

you guys !!.. But today a very attractive young lady had very little to say. I told her a joke or two and she did smile, so

can’t complain. Maybe they are concentrating on their

driving which is important of course.

I had a lot of strife posting my last effort. After posting it,

it left out half of what I wanted. Tried several times, with the same result. So I turned the computer off, thinking to go to

bed. Read for a while and then turned it all back on and lo and

behold it worked. Same thing is happening today. So Maybe no jokes today.

Lovely Day and Jokes

A lovely Autumn day here in Australia. Hopefully the really

hot weather has gone. I am consistent, I complain when it gets really cold as well. Fortunately I have great cooling and heating systems. Others are not so lucky and I feel sorry for them. If only the hungry could be fed and others helped to

to have better and happier lives, with homes to live in and loved

ones to care for them. If only…………

Some jokes John found for me……..

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all

powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow, Why, what does it tell YOU?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

· * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG !!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies,

“BITCH !!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.!!!

* * * * * * * * * * *

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another lnde on the opposite side.

“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, “You are on the other side.”

· * * * * * * * * * * *

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $2,000 in the collection plate, This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome with

curiousity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $2,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need, I give to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” The old lady said, “Oh, $20,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son must be very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He’s a veterinarian.” she answered.

“That’s a very honourable profession, the pastor says. Were

does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “Well he has two cat houses in

Las Vegas and one in Reno !”

· * * * * * * * * * *

And finally …………

A girl was visiting her friend and the friend’s two new dogs.

She asked their names and was told one was called Rolex and

the other was Seiko.

“Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” she asked.

“HELLLOOOOOO”.…. said her friend. “They are watchdogs.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * That’s all folks !!

Memories

Another day gone by and visitors gone. Jacqui and I had a great time talking about our kids of similar age and our grand-children and even Great Grandchildren.

There was many a trip to Nanny Failia, a childish way to say

Nathalia. Mum was not a failure and was loved by all the kids.

She lived in a house next to us, when I lived in Nathalia, so

we could more or less look after her. My eldest son John

used to go to her house after tea and sleep there for

company and “just in case”. When John moved to Q’ld,

Kathy the youngest of my four, took over that job. Kathy

used to love creepy movies and Mum used to stay up with her to watch them too. I am chicken, if a movie is too spooky, I tape it and watch it in the safety of daylight.

Jacqui is the mother of Marcus and Vickie –bloggers- also Alan

and Bruce. Like mine, all married with families of their own.

We talked about the kids digging tunnels behind our shed, and

swinging on my clothesline etc etc. Brought back lots of memories for us both and we looked at photos of course.

Walter was happy to look at photos and listen to our rambling and I really liked him – easy to talk to. He and Peter call each

other No.1 and No.3, and get on very well. Which is great for the kids. We mellow in our later years and find it easier to

get along with others I have found.Jacqui 's link is thebearlady,blogspot.com

I was taken to McDonalds this morning for Hot Cakes for

breakfast as both Jacqui and I love them occasionally, so that

was something I was not expecting. Thanks you two.

Jacqui was pleased with her first post, which I helped her with, Sorry I didn’t do the same with Vicki. But couldn’t get

to my computer while Peter and Rex were fixing it all up.

Marcus and his 2 youngest sons are in Melbourne for the

Commonwealth Games at present, with others from his school.

I hope they have a great time. He has even set up blogspots

for them both. He really means to take over the blogosphere!!

They are showing the Opening ceromony on TV at present. They are usually good shows ~~ but a FLYING tram – Really.!!!

They still have trams in Melbourne, the only city is Australia

to retain them. I travelled on many of them for years when we

lived in Melbourne and I worked in an office.

I have thoroughly enjoyed these visits from family, because I live alone and only have a few visitors calling in for brief visits.

I occasionally talk to myself “you can do it etc” with difficult

tasks. My mother used to say that that was OK, so long as you don’t answer yourself back. May come to that yet.!!!

A few funnies to finish.

Don’t try these at home.

If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling

water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be

almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold them.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent

you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the

snooze button.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and

you will forget about it.

It is also recommended that you only need two tools in your tool-kit:… WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn’t move and it should, spray with the WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

******************************************************

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disneyland.

When they were about halfway there, the blonde saw a sign

that said “Disneyland Left”, so she turned around and went

back home.

******************************************************

An elderly woman returned home from an evening at church to discover an intruder robbing her house of valuables,

She yelled, “Stop! Acts.2:38.” ( Repent and be baptised in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burgler stopped. The woman called the police and explained the situation.

The officer asked the burgler “Why did you just stand there?

All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.”

“Scripture?” said the crook. “She said she had an axe and

two 38s!”

Well I thought they were funny !!! Cheers folks.