Thursday, July 06, 2006

Farmer's Divorce.

Hello my Friends ~~ I hope you have had a good day and that you

have a great day tomorrow. All well, in my neck of the woods.

I have a couple of jokes for you, passed on by my friend Ann.

Thanks Ann . I thought they were funny, so hope you do too.

<><><><><>

<><><>The Farmer & The Divorce Case<><><>

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

<><><><><> I wonder why… <><><><><>

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."

<><><><> SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

<><><><> THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE." <><><><> THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN. <><><><> FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE,TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE.

<><><><><>

SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." BACK TO! THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

<><><><><> IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND." NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. <><><><><>

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." <><><><><> SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.

<><><><><> Joke of the Day. <><><><><>

One day, two elite athletes and a fat guy were on top of a tall building.

They made a bet as to who could drop their watch off the edge, run down the stairs and catch it at the bottom.

The first athlete dropped his watch and ran down the stairs to find his watch smashed on the ground.

The second athlete dropped his watch and got the same result.

*********************

Then the fat guy had a go.

He dropped his watch and set off waddling down the stairs.

It took him two hours to get down, but when he reached the bottom he put his hand out and caught his watch.

******************

The two amazed athletes asked him how he did it.

“My watch is always two hours slow,” he said.

<><><><><><>

The secret to happiness is not getting everything you want, but wanting everything you have.

<><><><> Bye for now, Merle. <><><><>

19 comments:

HORIZON said...

Morning from here Merle.
As always had a giggle- l should stop fiddling and farting around and tidy up this place!
:) Bests,

Karen said...

ROFL, fiddle and farted! Love it!!!

Have a great day and I hope all is well with you :-D

Pennys from Heaven said...

I love the "you dont always get what you want, but be happy with what you do have". How true. I am in the process of downsizing, I realize just when I think I have nothing, I have tons to give away...there are those with less then I have. I am learning to stop feeling sorry for myself and be happy that I have food in my tummy and a place to sleep. What more could I want. LOL.

Take care, and have a great day!!

Loved the divorce joke also...LOL.

Peg

Sue said...

I read the nun one to my DH and we both had a good laugh. Thanks for starting the day on a cheerful note :-)

Tammy said...

I think you should change the title of your Blog to the Comedy Factory...I always get a chuckle when I come here!!
:-D

Granny said...

I thought they were funny too. I can count on my former neighbor to send a bunch and I'll continue to pass the best ones on.

PEA said...

LOL loved them all!! Have a great day Merle:-)

JunieRose said...

:) very funny-ALL of them!

June

bubba said...

I love them

Raggedy said...

I liked them all so much I can't pick a favorite. Funny Stuff here Merle. Great Post! I loved the quote too!

*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one
*

Ms. Vickie said...

Thanks for the smiles Merle, these were great. :)

Hope all is well with you.

Peter said...

I liked the nuns story, BTW did you know you can change case (from upper case to lower) in "format" change case.???

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I think I had that farmer as a client for marriage counseling. Sounds just like the guy.

mreddie said...

Most everyone, even a farmer, is looking for a meaningful conversation - even if it makes no sense. :) Your secret to happiness is so true. ec

Da Gal said...

Hello merle - long time no see. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. thanks for the continued kind words of support and encouragement.

Take gentle care and keep on making us laugh!

rhapsody said...

Love the jokes- thanks for the laughs~

missing the recipes, tho!

Jeanette said...

Hi Merle
still chuckling over the farmer and the nun all good jokes .
take care , Jan

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money