Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Proof Reading.

Howdy Folks ~~ Here we are again. I have been shopping

and so far haven’t thought of a thing I forgot to get.

Today, June 13th is my mother’s birthdate. She has been gone a long time, but we never really forget our loved ones do we?

I got the first article in an e-mail today ~ Thanks, Warren.

It is called : “Doesn’t anyone proof read anymore ??????

The Year’s Best (actual) Headlines of 2005:

1. Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter. (Imagine that!)

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says.

(No, really!)

3.Police Begin Campaign to Run Dowm Jaywalkers.

(That’ll stop ‘em.)

4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.(What a guy!)

5. Miners Refuse to Work after Death.(Good for nothing lazy

so and so s!)

6. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.

( see if that works any better than a fair trial)

7. War Dims Hope for Peace. (I can see where it might

have that effect)

8. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

(you think?)

9. Cold Waves Linked to Temperatures’

(Who would have thought!)

10. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

(They may be on to something)

11. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges! (You mean there is

something stronger than duct tape?)

12. Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.

(He probably IS the battery charge!)

13. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

(Weren’t they fat enough?”

14. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

(That’s what he gets for eating those beans!)

15. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. (Taste like chicken?)

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

(Chainsaw massacre all over again!)

17. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

(Boy, are they tall?)

And the winner is ………

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Now that you’ve smiled at least once. It’s your turn to

spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to. (Maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh. Keep on smiling.

<><><><> Geriatric version of Are You Lonesome Tonight….

(with Apologies to Elvis !!!

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight

Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?

Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day…

When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is you hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim?

Hysterectomy for her; and it’s prostate for him

Does your back give you pain.. do your knees predict rain?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight….

<><><><><><><>

Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down?

Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps you

like a well oiled machine…

If it’s football or baseball..he sure knows the score.

Yes, he knows where it’s at…but forgets what it’s for.

So your gall bladders gone.. But the gout lingers on.

Tell me dear, are you lovesome tonight?

<><><><><><><><>

When you’re hungry, he’s not. When you’re cold then he’s hot

Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn down the light, he goes left you go right.

Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, and witty and smart,

How’d he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?

So don’t take any bets, this is as good as it gets.

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

<><><><><> SENILITY PRAYER. <><><><><>

Grant me the Senility to Forget the People I Never

Liked, The Good Fortune to Run into the People

I do like, and the Eyesight to tell the Difference.

<><><><><><> Couple of Sayings. <><><><>

Live as long as you can and die when you can’t help it.

Remember it’s always darkest just before it goes

totally black.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be

the only sunshine he sees all day.

<><><><><> Goodnight here or Good Morning There. <><><><>

14 comments:

bornfool said...

Newspapers must hire pun writers for their headlines. Thanks for the chuckle, Merle.

Granny said...

Still good morning here.

No hurricanes in California and I hope no hurricanes in Florida, etc. either. I have some good online friends there including one (Susan) who is "vacationing" this week.

JunieRose said...

Merle,

Those all had me laughing but especially the first-'Proof Reading!'


June

kenju said...

Love the headlines! I remember the first one; it was the daughter of Jeb Bush (George's brother).

Meow said...

Hope you still find you haven't forgotten anything shopping !!
Love the Proof Reading headlines ... too funny. Thanks for sharing. Also, the Are You Lonesome Tonight is brilliant.
Have a wonderful week, take care, Meow

smiley said...

Hi Merle, thanks for dropping by my blog earlier.

Well you certainly brought a smile on smiley's face :0) The headlines are hilarious, thanks for sharing.

C. H. Green said...

Hi, found your blog through Granny. So nice to meet you through blogland. Come visit me sometime.

Michelle said...

Merle you sing so much better than Elvis! Fantastic :o)

Peter said...

Hi Merle, Are you lonesome tonight could wind up on poetry galore sometime.

doubleknot said...

Thanks for the chuckles. 'Are you Lonesome Tonight' hits the nail on the head. Would you belive my mother and I just yesterday were talking about growing older - I am catching up with my Mom.

Jacqui said...

Hi Merle, I couldn't post any camments last night, blogger wouldn't let me, so I replied to you by email and they came right back as well.
One of them said that I always love your blogs, they are always so positive, and lots of other bloggers think so too.
Love todays especially, glad you like the snow pics, I really loved it there.
hugs jacqui

megz_mum said...

Hi there Merle, I am a bit of an Elvis fan, so really enjoyed that one - very good!

Karen said...

I don't want to forget those I loved on their birthdays or other special occasions, they're always in my heart.

My English teacher loves statements/headlines like those, I will copy them and send them to her.

Am I too young to use the senility prayer? LOL I think not! ;-)

Have a great day!

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Merle, I bet everyone of you commenters was singing the Geriatric version of Elvis song as they read it...I know I was. Could you hear us singing through your post today?

I'm going to have to send this ENTIRE post to my ageing Aunts & cousins in California...they will just get a good belly laugh out of your entire post as I did today.